last child in the woods

Just finished this wonderful book last night. In light of last week's bombings, shootings, and intense man-hunt in our city...and in celebration of Earth Day today, I'm sharing this little quote that I love on children, nature, fear and peace:

"[Nature] serves as a blank slate upon which a child draws and reinterprets the culture's fantasies. Nature inspires creativity in a child by demanding visualization and the full use of the senses. Given a chance, a child will bring the confusion of the world to the woods, wash it in the creek, turn it over to see what lives on the unseen side of that confusion. Nature can frighten a child, too, and this fright serves a purpose. In nature, a child finds freedom, fantasy, and privacy: a place distant from the adult world, a separate peace."

my thoughts on screen-time

A friend recently posted this article on Facebook, and asked for comments from her parent friends. I rarely comment on parenting on-line, mostly because I don't think it is always an adequate venue to express thoughts on this complicated and often sensitive area. However, for some reason, I did start writing some thoughts to my friend's post, but it turned into a monster of a comment, more appropriate for a blog than a FB comment. So I've moved my thoughts here instead.

Before getting into my thoughts on screen-time, here is our family's rules around screen-time for our 3.5 and 1.5 year olds: 30-40 minutes of a slow-paced show (currently a nature series), every other day - on weekends we will sometimes let them watch two days in a row. We also make exceptions under certain other circumstances, like airplane travel or sickness or when the parents are really stressed out. Our kids are generally never on the computer, except ocassionally to see family pictures. I have no games on my iPhone, though my husband does have a puzzle app on his tablet that our three year old will play with ocassionally. Ocassionally my kids will take hold of my phone and punch in numbers on the key pad (for the password code protection). We try not to use our phones/tablet/computers too much around our kids, but they do see me checking my phone a few times a day. Depending on the family, this may seem very strict or very lenient. :)

I've done a good amount of reading, thinking, fearing, and developing in terms of where our family lies on this topic. First things first - as with almost every other area of parenting, I think every family is different and will be different on what works best for their family. The situations, stressors, and demands in each family (and in different seasons in each family) will affect decisions on a whole host of inter-connected things. So, I am just sharing about what we are doing in our family in this season and my thoughts on this topic, knowing that it may well be different - or should be different - for others.

I don't particularly like screen-time. I think young kids (the only kind I have any experience with) are much more lively, creative, and fun when engaged in other things - in particular things in the natural world. I love watching their bodies and minds roam free, unhindered by the limitations of physical space or social ettiquette. I think even when they are "bored" at home, it can be beneficial to them - it frees up space for their minds to start imagining wild and crazy things.

I also don't particularly like parenting out of fear - it's mostly tiring, and not really inspiring. It triggers some deep-seated instinct in me to do all I can for my children so they don't turn out to be public charges, rather than for them to aspire to things that are noble, selfless, just and true. And so, I do not want to be afraid of the screen, mostly because I'm pretty convinced my children will not turn out utterly stupid or depraved if they watch a bit of TV (carefully screened by me). More scientifically, here are a few things that fuel my thoughts:

(1) The studies on screen-time all involve "extensive" use. Studies that have babies watching 2+ hours of TV every day, more for older kids. When fear kicks in, this is taken to an extreme, where there is fear that if a 5 year old watches 30 minutes of TV, she will somehow end up with ADHD. There are families (whom I respect) who do not allow their 5 year old to watch any TV, but I don't think the motivation behind it should be the fear that this would grossly damage their child's brain or that studies have proven this would lead to behavioral problems. The studies certainly do not show that. If you'd rather have your 5 year old do something else, I think that is great. But I don't think carefully limited and selected screen-time will cause lack of development in and of itself - though again, every child is different, so perhaps there are exceptions out there.

(2) Studies have found that the "pace" of the screen matters - hence all the criticisms of Sponge Bob (it is very face-paced). I don't remember the exact numbers off the top of my head, but for 2 year olds, it takes something like 3-4 seconds for them to process information from the screen through their brains (it gets faster as they get older). So, if the show moves faster than 3-4 seconds per screen shot, the 2 year old may not be able to process what is happening. Slower-paced shows allow kids to process what is happening, and mentally engage in the materials more.

And a few other thoughts...

(3) What we do outside of screen-time is important - particularly giving children the opportunity to develop physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally and socially. If these things are happening (not perfectly and not all the time...but in season, and with balance, and to the best we can as imperfect parents), then I don't think a little bit of screen-time will have a detrimental affect. This is just my gut feeling.

(4) I do think careful screening of what is seen is very important. Having two boys, all the potential sex and violence on the screen is of concern to me. I have no idea what it will be like as they get older, but for now, while they are young, I am able to control 100% of what they see on the screen. I am also trying my best to teach my children about courtesy and respect, about serving others and loving our neighbors, about kindness and self-control. I hope that these things will influence them and their character in ways that will make them strong against the temptation of sex, violence and other stuff they will eventually, inevitably see on the screen (and in other areas of life). If there is one thing I've learned in my three short years of parenting, it is that we can influence, but we cannot control all outcomes for our children, so to all this, I add faith and prayer.

(5) And finally, a response to this statement in the article: "Yes, electronic distractions free parents to take a stroll — or to make dinner or spend time on themselves — without being interrupted by a fussing child." The implication is that parents are somehow being selfish by allowing their children to watch TV. Eh. I kinda disagree, especially for toddlers and up. Sure, if we are perfect at parenting, if we do not get tired and have limitless energy and goodwill, if we can always respond to a fussy child with gentleness and patience, then yes, by all means, let the child fuss and respond lovingly and appropriately to the child, in a way that teaches them emotional control, delayed gratification, and good social interactions. We all have these moments where we've parented well, and feel awesome about it. But, we are not perfect parents (at least, I haven't met any) - we will get tired, impatient, snappy, demanding, mean...sometimes. And that is ok, it's part of being human with limits, and it's fine for our children to see (and see us work through). I also think sometimes, parents do need a break - to cool off, to regroup, to just sit and rest for a few minutes. So, I personally feel that for myself, if I am really tired by the late afternoon (say, cuz the toddler didn't sleep well the night before) and ready to yell at my multiple whining children, then yes, it's ok to take a break and let them watch a carefully selected show for a short time. Sometimes it's ok to let them watch even if I feel like things are going fine. Do I have to? No, and there are days where I choose to do other things with them instead. But is it bad parenting if I do? No, I don't think so either. I'm not sure children need to be intellectually or creatively stimulated ALL the time. And usually, after a little break, I feel more fresh to build a fort with them, enter into pretend play, or just enjoy being with them. I think it is a little extreme to place screen-time as the ULTIMATE harm in a child's life, while there are many other things, if taken to an extreme, that could be just as, if not more, harmful.

All this to say, my three guiding principles for screen-time right now (with my young children) are: (1) limited/short time period, (2) slow-paced screen, and (3) wholesome content.

Clearly, limiting screen-time is important to me, but how much and when depends on each family - their particular situation, schedule, and children. While limiting and selecting what my children see on the screen is of priority to me and I think it is important to think through...at the end of the day, I find it much more interesting and life-giving to spend my energies thinking about the things we can do as a family that can grow our hearts, minds, and character.

anticipation & celebration

We wanted to make the Easter story somehow tangible and accessible to the kids this year, knowing that they are only three and one and wouldn't understand a lot of the meaning behind Jesus' death and resurrection. Nevertheless, we wanted them to be part of the anticipation and celebration, along with me and Jason.

On Thursday, I was trying to think of what would make the story of the last supper seem more real to the kids. The symbolism of bread and wine may be lost on them, but the sharing of bread at the table seemed like something they might understand. So we spent the morning making bread - we milled our own flour, made the dough, waited for 2 hours for it to rise (yes, we used yeast), kneaded the dough, waited another 2 hours, shaped the dough into a ball and baked it. At the end of the day, they had a lot more fun making the bread than eating it...but I think they got that there was some correlation between bread, supper, and Jesus.

In the evening, Jason led us in some feet-washing. We read the story to them from their Kids Bible, and then we did it ourselves. They seemed excited by the fact that we were doing something they read about in a book. And of course, water and feet make a perfect combo for kids. It was also my first time washing someone else's feet - gave me new respect for the pope.

Although I had thought about making hot cross buns for Good Friday, I didn't quite wake up early enough. Instead, we colored eggs. It was fun - and a good reminder of the new life we celebrate on Easter. We colored a dozen on Friday, and by Sunday, they were all gone (eaten!).

Of course, on Sunday, we got together with our friends and community, and celebrated together. It was good.

Now that the Thanksgiving - Advent - Lent - Easter stretch is over, I'm not sure where to go in terms of spiritual focus and rhythm with the kids. Perhaps emphasizing the creation story with spring and summer around the corner? Or something else...not sure. Let me know if you have ideas to share!