rolling rolling

Rolling down a grassy hill - the epitome of summer. My two active and generally fearless boys really wanted to roll down this nice little hill in New Hampshire, but they were too scared. Why? Bugs, they say. Bugs from the grass will bite them. Sigh, city kids. Good thing their dad was up for rolling down with them...cuz their mama certainly was not. Check it out:

Here are a few more shots from Maine...walking an ocean-side cliff and digging for sea shells.

Gotta love the summer-time.

bread & wine

There are a million things I should be doing this week - really, like a million - but instead, I've been reading this book for no other reason than because I like it, it's fun, and, putting several things aside, I can.

"The heart of hospitality is creating space for these moments, protecting that fragile bubble of vulnerability and truth and love. It's all too rare that we tell the people we love exactly why we love them - what they bring to our lives, why our lives are richer because they're in it...Sometimes food is the end and sometimes it's a means to an end, and sometimes you don't know which it is until it happens...The food and the table and the laughter helped to create sacred space, a place to give someone the gift of words. That's what the night was about - sacred space and words of love. Well, that and fresh raspberry ice cream."

mother's day dinner

Braised lamb with sweet pea puree, tomatoes and root vegetables medley ~ by my amazing husband. :)

to stay

As the school year draws to a close, we have been saying good-bye to several friends who are moving away from Boston. More than any other year, I have felt a good amount of joy in sending them off. Yes, it is sad that they will no longer be part of our immediate community, and yes, we do wish they would stay and for our families to grow together. But as Jason and I have been talking the last few weeks, we've also felt very thankful to have had these friendships over the course of the last year(s) and glad that we've had the chance to invest in each other however short or long.

As Jason and I have been thinking about this season in our lives, we have felt more and more that we are called to stay in Boston. Not necessarily forever, or even for a very long time, but for now, in this season, we feel we are in the right place. We also feel that part of staying is investing in and building friendships/partnerships with people who leave. That is the reality of being part of the city, part of the culture, and part of our church community here. Sure, we actively pray for long-term friendships and partnerships here (and those do exist), but we also take joy in the ones that last only a year or two years or five years.  Really, in light of eternity, what is the difference between 1 year and 50 years anyway?

So just processing out-loud what I have been thinking about recently - that perhaps feeling the nudge to stay does not only mean seeking out others who also want to stay (though that is certainly an important part of it), but also investing in and embracing those who likely may leave. Some of our most encouraging and rich friendships have come from these places.

last child in the woods

Just finished this wonderful book last night. In light of last week's bombings, shootings, and intense man-hunt in our city...and in celebration of Earth Day today, I'm sharing this little quote that I love on children, nature, fear and peace:

"[Nature] serves as a blank slate upon which a child draws and reinterprets the culture's fantasies. Nature inspires creativity in a child by demanding visualization and the full use of the senses. Given a chance, a child will bring the confusion of the world to the woods, wash it in the creek, turn it over to see what lives on the unseen side of that confusion. Nature can frighten a child, too, and this fright serves a purpose. In nature, a child finds freedom, fantasy, and privacy: a place distant from the adult world, a separate peace."

my thoughts on screen-time

A friend recently posted this article on Facebook, and asked for comments from her parent friends. I rarely comment on parenting on-line, mostly because I don't think it is always an adequate venue to express thoughts on this complicated and often sensitive area. However, for some reason, I did start writing some thoughts to my friend's post, but it turned into a monster of a comment, more appropriate for a blog than a FB comment. So I've moved my thoughts here instead.

Before getting into my thoughts on screen-time, here is our family's rules around screen-time for our 3.5 and 1.5 year olds: 30-40 minutes of a slow-paced show (currently a nature series), every other day - on weekends we will sometimes let them watch two days in a row. We also make exceptions under certain other circumstances, like airplane travel or sickness or when the parents are really stressed out. Our kids are generally never on the computer, except ocassionally to see family pictures. I have no games on my iPhone, though my husband does have a puzzle app on his tablet that our three year old will play with ocassionally. Ocassionally my kids will take hold of my phone and punch in numbers on the key pad (for the password code protection). We try not to use our phones/tablet/computers too much around our kids, but they do see me checking my phone a few times a day. Depending on the family, this may seem very strict or very lenient. :)

I've done a good amount of reading, thinking, fearing, and developing in terms of where our family lies on this topic. First things first - as with almost every other area of parenting, I think every family is different and will be different on what works best for their family. The situations, stressors, and demands in each family (and in different seasons in each family) will affect decisions on a whole host of inter-connected things. So, I am just sharing about what we are doing in our family in this season and my thoughts on this topic, knowing that it may well be different - or should be different - for others.

I don't particularly like screen-time. I think young kids (the only kind I have any experience with) are much more lively, creative, and fun when engaged in other things - in particular things in the natural world. I love watching their bodies and minds roam free, unhindered by the limitations of physical space or social ettiquette. I think even when they are "bored" at home, it can be beneficial to them - it frees up space for their minds to start imagining wild and crazy things.

I also don't particularly like parenting out of fear - it's mostly tiring, and not really inspiring. It triggers some deep-seated instinct in me to do all I can for my children so they don't turn out to be public charges, rather than for them to aspire to things that are noble, selfless, just and true. And so, I do not want to be afraid of the screen, mostly because I'm pretty convinced my children will not turn out utterly stupid or depraved if they watch a bit of TV (carefully screened by me). More scientifically, here are a few things that fuel my thoughts:

(1) The studies on screen-time all involve "extensive" use. Studies that have babies watching 2+ hours of TV every day, more for older kids. When fear kicks in, this is taken to an extreme, where there is fear that if a 5 year old watches 30 minutes of TV, she will somehow end up with ADHD. There are families (whom I respect) who do not allow their 5 year old to watch any TV, but I don't think the motivation behind it should be the fear that this would grossly damage their child's brain or that studies have proven this would lead to behavioral problems. The studies certainly do not show that. If you'd rather have your 5 year old do something else, I think that is great. But I don't think carefully limited and selected screen-time will cause lack of development in and of itself - though again, every child is different, so perhaps there are exceptions out there.

(2) Studies have found that the "pace" of the screen matters - hence all the criticisms of Sponge Bob (it is very face-paced). I don't remember the exact numbers off the top of my head, but for 2 year olds, it takes something like 3-4 seconds for them to process information from the screen through their brains (it gets faster as they get older). So, if the show moves faster than 3-4 seconds per screen shot, the 2 year old may not be able to process what is happening. Slower-paced shows allow kids to process what is happening, and mentally engage in the materials more.

And a few other thoughts...

(3) What we do outside of screen-time is important - particularly giving children the opportunity to develop physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally and socially. If these things are happening (not perfectly and not all the time...but in season, and with balance, and to the best we can as imperfect parents), then I don't think a little bit of screen-time will have a detrimental affect. This is just my gut feeling.

(4) I do think careful screening of what is seen is very important. Having two boys, all the potential sex and violence on the screen is of concern to me. I have no idea what it will be like as they get older, but for now, while they are young, I am able to control 100% of what they see on the screen. I am also trying my best to teach my children about courtesy and respect, about serving others and loving our neighbors, about kindness and self-control. I hope that these things will influence them and their character in ways that will make them strong against the temptation of sex, violence and other stuff they will eventually, inevitably see on the screen (and in other areas of life). If there is one thing I've learned in my three short years of parenting, it is that we can influence, but we cannot control all outcomes for our children, so to all this, I add faith and prayer.

(5) And finally, a response to this statement in the article: "Yes, electronic distractions free parents to take a stroll — or to make dinner or spend time on themselves — without being interrupted by a fussing child." The implication is that parents are somehow being selfish by allowing their children to watch TV. Eh. I kinda disagree, especially for toddlers and up. Sure, if we are perfect at parenting, if we do not get tired and have limitless energy and goodwill, if we can always respond to a fussy child with gentleness and patience, then yes, by all means, let the child fuss and respond lovingly and appropriately to the child, in a way that teaches them emotional control, delayed gratification, and good social interactions. We all have these moments where we've parented well, and feel awesome about it. But, we are not perfect parents (at least, I haven't met any) - we will get tired, impatient, snappy, demanding, mean...sometimes. And that is ok, it's part of being human with limits, and it's fine for our children to see (and see us work through). I also think sometimes, parents do need a break - to cool off, to regroup, to just sit and rest for a few minutes. So, I personally feel that for myself, if I am really tired by the late afternoon (say, cuz the toddler didn't sleep well the night before) and ready to yell at my multiple whining children, then yes, it's ok to take a break and let them watch a carefully selected show for a short time. Sometimes it's ok to let them watch even if I feel like things are going fine. Do I have to? No, and there are days where I choose to do other things with them instead. But is it bad parenting if I do? No, I don't think so either. I'm not sure children need to be intellectually or creatively stimulated ALL the time. And usually, after a little break, I feel more fresh to build a fort with them, enter into pretend play, or just enjoy being with them. I think it is a little extreme to place screen-time as the ULTIMATE harm in a child's life, while there are many other things, if taken to an extreme, that could be just as, if not more, harmful.

All this to say, my three guiding principles for screen-time right now (with my young children) are: (1) limited/short time period, (2) slow-paced screen, and (3) wholesome content.

Clearly, limiting screen-time is important to me, but how much and when depends on each family - their particular situation, schedule, and children. While limiting and selecting what my children see on the screen is of priority to me and I think it is important to think through...at the end of the day, I find it much more interesting and life-giving to spend my energies thinking about the things we can do as a family that can grow our hearts, minds, and character.

anticipation & celebration

We wanted to make the Easter story somehow tangible and accessible to the kids this year, knowing that they are only three and one and wouldn't understand a lot of the meaning behind Jesus' death and resurrection. Nevertheless, we wanted them to be part of the anticipation and celebration, along with me and Jason.

On Thursday, I was trying to think of what would make the story of the last supper seem more real to the kids. The symbolism of bread and wine may be lost on them, but the sharing of bread at the table seemed like something they might understand. So we spent the morning making bread - we milled our own flour, made the dough, waited for 2 hours for it to rise (yes, we used yeast), kneaded the dough, waited another 2 hours, shaped the dough into a ball and baked it. At the end of the day, they had a lot more fun making the bread than eating it...but I think they got that there was some correlation between bread, supper, and Jesus.

In the evening, Jason led us in some feet-washing. We read the story to them from their Kids Bible, and then we did it ourselves. They seemed excited by the fact that we were doing something they read about in a book. And of course, water and feet make a perfect combo for kids. It was also my first time washing someone else's feet - gave me new respect for the pope.

Although I had thought about making hot cross buns for Good Friday, I didn't quite wake up early enough. Instead, we colored eggs. It was fun - and a good reminder of the new life we celebrate on Easter. We colored a dozen on Friday, and by Sunday, they were all gone (eaten!).

Of course, on Sunday, we got together with our friends and community, and celebrated together. It was good.

Now that the Thanksgiving - Advent - Lent - Easter stretch is over, I'm not sure where to go in terms of spiritual focus and rhythm with the kids. Perhaps emphasizing the creation story with spring and summer around the corner? Or something else...not sure. Let me know if you have ideas to share!

dignity

As you can see, I still get lattes sometimes. :) Last week, I spent a while sitting at a cafe reading this book. I had attended a book-talk by Donna Hicks at my favorite bookstore a few weeks ago, and ended up with this book in my to-read pile. When I first saw this book, I was intrigued by the topic, but did not think it related too much to my work or life, since it was largely based on international conflict resolution.

However, I got the book because one thing I am trying to grow in right now is treating my clients with more dignity. As they have often gone through shameful and belittling experiences, it seemed like an important part of my contact with them is to counteract this sense of powerlessness, and to treat them with a sense of importance. But it was still not clear in my mind how this was to happen - how do you treat someone with dignity?

This book addresses this - not only on the international nation-states scale, but also on the personal face-to-face level. It's been helpful in not only thinking through how I treat my clients, but also how I treat my neighbors, friends, and family. It has provided a lot of fuel for thought in terms of what I want to teach my kids - how to treat others knowing their God-given worth. As I think about what it means to teach my children about God, His heart for people and His heart for justice, this seems foundational.

But even as I start thinking through how to teach my kids, I am struck by how much I need to learn and live out. How do my actions foster an environment of inclusion, especially to those who are easily left out? How do I acknowledge another's history and sensitivies in conversation and decision-making? Am I able to give the benefit of the doubt and do I desire to understand more than to share? Am I fair in the ways I treat and think about others?

As I think about this concept of "justice" and what it means for myself and my family, I think more and more, I'm drawn to the fact that at the foundation of it all is the need to see and treat people for who they are - created in the image of God, with inherent dignity and importance, and a desire to be known and understood. I hope it is out of this that I may enter into works of justice and, by God's grace, teach my children what it means to be just.

the year of the knitted footwear & small beginnings

Since this blog started out as a craft blog, it seemed time to give an update on the knitting that has been happening this winter. I think I will coin this year the year of the knitted footwear. I just kept finding patterns for our feet! It's funny how there seems to be random themes that run throughout each knitting season - scarves and shawls, hats and hats and hats...and now, footwear. I will say I am starting to get intrigued by sweaters...but not right now. Springs seems to be in the air, and I am itching to go out with the boys and leave the warmth of knitting needles behind...just for a little bit.

The other thing that has been brewing at our house (and in my heart) is how to spend less and spend better...on many things, but starting small, beginning with our coffee. We don't drink a lot of coffee, but I was falling into a rut of always buying coffee out. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I just didn't like the way it was adding up...and the way I was always tempted to upgrade to a latte (yummm!). Occassionally, a latte is a wonderful treat (and I am not banning myself from ever buying lattes or coffees out), but regularly spending $3-4 on a cup of coffee was not my preference (don't worry, if you do, I don't think any more or less of you - everyone is different, I'm just speaking for myself!). I will say now that I have kids, buying a cup of coffee is so much easier than bringing out a mug of coffee, along with the kids and their gear and my bag and everything else. But it's doable. Or we slow down a bit more in the morning, and I actually just enjoy some coffee at my dining table. :) Well, anyway, I wanted to spend less on coffee. But not just spend less...spend better, spend smarter, spend more justly. And so I was excited to come across Land of a Thousand Hills Coffee Company at the Justice Conference. They not only make great coffee, and not only pay fair and just wages to the Rwandan farmers, but also they go further to try to promote forgiveness and reconciliation in a war-torn region full of a history of ethnic hatred and abuse. Many of my clients come from Ethiopia, Eritrea, Burundi, Somalia and Sudan...and as I work with them, the concept of hope and forgiveness often seems so distant and foreign. The Tutsi-Hutu divide seems unsurmountable; I write about it in applications and motions, but I don't really try to engage with the actual pain of it all - too much, too deep, too brutal. But organizations/businesses like Land of a Thousand Hills gives me hope in this...that change may be possible and healing may actually one day come, however small and however slow it may seem now.

the book of love is long and boring

This weekend, Jason and I attended the Justice Conference in Philadelphia. It was amazing in so many ways...there was so much passion, so much talent, so much faith. But mostly, for me, it was inspiring not because it made the idea of justice seem exciting or cool, but because of the opposite - it displayed examples of the doing of justice that was messy, gritty, painful and slow. Gary Haugen quoted Peter Gabriel's song - "the book of love (is long and boring)", and then shared about the work of IJM - the hours and months and years of work that finally resulted in the closing of a brothel, the setting free of so many girls. The hours of tediousness, seemingly fruitlessness, the weeks and months and years of "non-progress". Long. Slow. Boring. It resonated with me in this season of my work. Ten or so years ago, I felt a particular conviction to use my education for those who are voiceless - for those who are abused, abandoned, neglected, and unseen. I'll save the telling of that journey for another day, but after law school and a clerkship, I joined Catholic Charities as an immigration attorney to work with the immigrant woman who had been beaten by her husband, the refugee mother of three struggling to survive alone, the four-year old girl who had been raped, abandoned, and forgotten by her family. These people and their stories tugged at my heart, and I loved the idea of centering my work around them. Ten years later, today, these are my clients. The idea, in many ways, has become a reality. Three days a week I come to my office, and I meet with them, I listen to their stories, and I work on their cases. The reality of "working on their cases" involves lots and lots of forms, paperwork, waiting, more forms, more waiting, seemingly fruitless phone calls, unsympathetic judges, impatient clients. In the mean-time, I often start to forget their stories, forget God's presence in it all, and as I sit down to enter biographical information into the next slot of a form or as I wait for hours for our case to be called in court, the dominant feeling is...this is so inefficient and so boring. Am I spending my time in the most productive way possible? Shouldn't I be doing something more interesting? Is this really worth it? I love the idea of justice so much more than the reality of doing it. At the Conference this weekend, I was reminded that it is worth it [not least by things like this], because the long and the boring, the hours and days and years of slow slow work - this may be exactly what God had in mind for me when I first felt a calling in this direction. This may be exactly as it should be as I learn to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with my God. And just maybe, I hope and pray, He is doing a transformative work in my heart that is long and deep and tried and true.