keeping it slow

For 2013, this is my mantra: Keep it slow. As Jason and I have thought about this year, we feel that this is a Sabbath year for us. Starting in 2006, when we started dating, we've gone through at least one big life transition every year (whether that's engagement, marriage, child #1, buying a home, child #2, new job, etc.)...and for the last six years, life has often felt like a whirlwind - a fun and exciting one, but a whirlwind nonetheless. This year, our 7th year together, it feels like it's time to rest, learn, receive and grow. So that is our prayer and hope for this year. Practically, we are learning to "keep it slow". This has now become somewhat possible for us thanks to the husband's new job. We can have days that we keep free - where we don't have plans, and we can stay in or go out based on what feels right. We are not rushed or stressed about a schedule, we are able to just be. These days may still be exhausting with the two boys, but it is also, in its own way, restful for us as a family - we can focus on each other, let go of schedules, and just be...together. Keeping it slow also means we do not rush through our routines - something that I am trying to improve on. In the morning, we make our beds without being in a rush - we try to have fun with it, sing a song, dance a little (at 7am in the morning? yes, well not all the time, but we try and keep it slow!). We sit down to read the (kids) bible, and are not upset when the 16-month old keeps coming over to close the book. Keep it slow. We make and eat breakfast, without a sense of rushing out the door. You get the idea...of course there are days that don't look calm or slow, but that is what we are working towards. One thing about keeping things slow is that it gives us the mental energy to learn new things... We are hoping to attend some conferences and seminar together - as a way of learning and receiving. We both have found attending conferences to be so life-giving and enriching, and we hope this year allows us to attend some. This January, I have also been collecting a pile of books I am looking forward to reading. In addition to being in the Word daily, I am excited about my list of to-reads this year. I have become somewhat of a non-fiction nerd (and currently thinking a lot about family life, if you can't tell), but here are some of the books that are at the top of my list: Living Out Loud; Last Child in the Woods; The New Strong Willed Child; Offering the Gospel to Children; and The Meaning of Marriage. We'll see what this year brings, as often our best plans and intentions do not always work out...but for now, this is our hope for this year.

intuitive lens

I am half-way through my photography class...and I am loving the technical stuff I'm learning: ISO, shutter speed, aperature, depth of field, focal length, lighting, and so much more! I am learning to use my camera in new ways, and it's been super fun to experiment in manual mode.

As much as I am loving learning about the technical aspects of photography, I gotta say that I am not as inspired by the creative side of it. Especially compared to the painting class I took last year, which really encouraged me to be creative and look at the world differently, I seem much more interested in the technical aspects of photography and seem to have a harder time connecting with the artistic side. Maybe I need to be more comfortable with the technical stuff before being able to use this medium artistically...or maybe it's just not as much of a creative outlet for me. Either way, this class makes me appreciate professional photographers so much more and how their work is truly an expression of art.

this one is for me

Having a one year old and a three year old at home can be challenging. There are moments where it is pure fun, and I feel so grateful to be able to spend time with them. There are also moments of pure stress - usually accompanied by some loud crying, tantruming, and unwillingness to do what I want them to do. Before I had children, I envisioned myself walking around with little ones following after me nicely, who always say their please and thank yous, never tantrum or disagree, who always clean up after themselves, treat others gently, and who are always in a good mood. Yes, that was my picture of family life (ha!). I thought of myself as a patient person, and thought that "being more patient" was only for parents who weren't patient people (ha!). I'm sure God was smiling down at me, shaking his head, and thinking, so silly - you just wait! In one of the parenting books I've been reading, the author talks about how we should not be surprised by our children's sinful behavior - we already know they are born with sin, that they have all sorts of flaws, and they are a big work in progress (and just beginning at that). I think what that book did not say is that those difficult moments also bring out sinful behavior in the parent - an impatient tone, a lack of gentleness or understanding, an unkind word or thought. Sin rubs against sin...and all the while, as I think I'm teaching my children, I'm pretty sure the real work is what God is doing in me. So our chalkboard verse right now is mostly for me. Yes, of course, I wish all these things on my children and pray that God grows these things in them; but first, and foremost, I wish and pray these things on me - because God has a funny way of using my children to remind me that I am still very much his child, in need of His grace and parenting.

brothers

One of the most amazing things about parenting so far has been watching the relationship between these two boys develop. There are moments of pure sweetness, loyalty and laughter. There are also moments of profound conflict, screaming and tears. And so these two begin their journey as brothers. I was chatting with my coworkers over our holiday lunch a couple weeks ago, and many of them have older children. They all told me of how their children loved each other fiercely and fought with each other intensely. They told me not to be afraid of the fighting - it is part of being siblings, part of them learning to work things out with each other, part of them being children and developing the ability to give, take, assert and empathize. I gotta say, the thought of my boys getting bigger and stronger is a bit scary at times. Being 6.5 years older than my brother, we did not fight much - but then again, we did not bond much either. We were just so far apart in age (and interest) that our worlds did not have many opportunities to intersect. With my two boys, being two years apart, I think I am in for a very different ride. While I've been reading all sorts of books and blogs out there about parenting, the conversation with my coworkers reminded me to take the time to enjoy their relationship - in all its facets. They tell me that my boys are only going to be boys once, that I shouldn't fret too much if they don't always get along, that I should thoroughly soak in the times they exhibit their deep love for each other...and that they will grow up one day, and (so they tell me) I will miss the chaos and mayhem. So this new year, I will try to take this to heart, to live in the moments, and remember to enjoy. Happy New Year everyone!

mini get-away

For the first time in 1.5 years, the husband and I took an over-night trip somewhere without the kids. Thanks to the grandparents (and my brother), we got to sneak out to the cape for a couple days, and just...chill. We had originally thought that we could walk the cute streets of Hyannis and drive along the ocean coast. But when we got to our cozy hotel, we realized all we really wanted to do was to sit around, have time to chat, sleep whenever we wanted, and eat good food. And so, that's what we did. Besides going into town for meals (those $1 oysters were amazing - harvested locally and really really fresh), we mostly just hungout in our hotel lobby - a cozy and empty livingroom-like space. We brought out a stack of books to read, we talked about things we normally don't have time to talk about - how our marriage is going, highlights from 2012, hopes/questions for 2013, movies we want to see, etc., and we napped when we wanted to nap. It was nice to be so close to home (about an hour drive), so it didn't feel like we were too far from the kids. But to have the time and freedom to just be the two of us...that was glorious.

this christmas

This Christmas was quite a rollercoaster ride...but thankfully, THANKFULLY, there was a happy ending. A friend of mine went to the ER the day before Christmas, ended up in the ICU that evening with a life-threatening situation. Our Christmas eve was spent praying and caring for her family. It was hard not to think about worst-case scenarios, especially as things seemed to progress that way. But they were in store for a Christmas miracle - somehow between the panic of Christmas eve and the light snow fall of Christmas morning, things changed - she was able to get transferred out of the ICU Christmas morning, and she was able to go home and spend Christmas evening with her family. It was quite the rollercoaster ride (and quite the miracle!). It got me thinking about all the people that have to work on Christmas eve and Christmas day. The nurses, the doctors, the specialist that got called in for her. I wonder if their families were disappointed that they could not be home for Christmas - I wonder if they missed their children opening presents, or if it caused fights and unhappiness and tears. But, from the other side this Christmas, I am so thankful for those who were working this Christmas - who served others on the holiday, who took the time to care, who laid down their lives for others. What a blessing. Aside from this, we had a warm and cozy Christmas at home, replete with the traditional dumpling-making on Christmas day - though this year, we made Korean-style mandoo instead of Chinese-style dumplings. A new twist on an old tradition. :) Some other highlights from our last couple days: I had not planned on getting a Christmas tree this year, but on December 23, I received an email saying that they were giving away free (beautiful!) Christmas trees around the corner from my house. So what could I do? I took my brother, and claimed us a tree...for free! I gotta say, it smells very nice, and definitely gives the house some extra Christmas cheer!

While getting our tree, I also picked up some of these tree stumps - perfect as candle bases. :)

The first snow angel of the season was made this Christmas day by a very giddy three year old...

And just one more little touch of hand-made fun, finished just in time...

Family. Health. A warm home. Thankful this Christmas.

creating routine and other things

It's been a rough week in the Hwang household. Aside from the saddening news from CT, we have also all been tired and grumpy all week. Why? Because little Owen decided last Tuesday to give up his bed-time routine - the 10 minute nurse-and-put-in-crib routine that he's been on for at least the last 6 months. Without any warning last week, he seemed all of a sudden to be aware that we were all outside his room having fun (or at least not sleeping), and he voiced his displeasure at this state of affairs loud and clear. Caught off guard, Jason and I fumbled with what to do for a few nights, and it ended up in less sleep for everyone...and a very grumpy Hwang clan this weekend (though actually, Owen seemed fine and happy). The goal this week is to reestablish some sort of bedtime routine/order, though I have a feeling it may not be as easy as the 10-minute one we had going. I always forget how important and grounding routine and order is until we step out of it...I guess that's how the kids always keep us on our toes. Last night, we managed to get both boys to bed by 8pm, and I got to do some crafting and making at night. It felt so good. This year, I'm trying to make more and buy less for Christmas. The biggest purchase we've made for Christmas is the Advent wreath, which we got in leiu of a Chistmas tree this year. I do still want to have a festive feel in the home - a general setting that reminds us it is Christmas season, a special time of year. To that end, here are a few things I've been trying... The image at the top is a simple, decorative touch - a glass jar, some leaves from a bush in our front yard, some cranberries, all immersed in water with a tealight candle on top. I love having candles burning during this season, and this was a simple thing to do at very low cost.

This is a homemade "Christmas tree" of sorts. The husband was quick to remind me that it does not in fact look like a tree. Yes, it is, I suppose, more symbolic. It is also not totally how I'd like it to be, but I do like the natural feel of the sticks (collected at a park), along with the lights and yarn balls (which we already had in the home) in the center to give it just a bit of volume. If I have time, I may try to rework it so it is more full on the inside...but otherwise, this is our rendition of a Christmas tree this year!

Friendship soup. This year, I am trying to get Collin into the role of gift-giving, since he is already pretty good at gift-receiving (which I hope he thoroughly enjoys as well). :) I found this fun idea online, and it worked great as a gift that a three-year old can help make as a way of participating in the gift giving process. This week we remember JOY as we light our third Advent candle - here's to hoping for a smoother bed-time, more energy to enjoy each other, and being mindful of the precious gift of family and children this week.

work(ing) map

I have been wanting to do this for years...this week, I finally put up a world map in my office, and put little sticker-dots on the countries where my current clients come from. I suppose it is not surprising that they mostly fall within the 10/40 window...or close to it. It is also extremely helpful for me to have a visual of where they have lived - it helps me put their story in context, and makes their situation feel more real and tangible. Sometimes in my cozy (albeit it small and "non-proit-esque") office, I forget that my clients come from places without regular electricity or water or food. And sometimes, I forget that they may come from a culture that does not emphasize punctuality, or encourage eye contact...or smell particularly nice. I forget that they may feel totally out of place in my cozy little office, and intimidated by the setting. Somehow having the map up on the wall reminds me that there is a big world outside of my little office; that there are cultures and norms and hurts and injustices that extend farther and deeper than what may first appear. I am reminded to be just a little more patient when a client shows up an hour late, and a little more understanding when they get impatient or demanding. I am reminded that my clients come from very different places and have very different backgrounds, and that is one of the things I love most about this job.

this advent

One thing I love about parenting is that it has made me a lot more mindful of the seasons. There's something about young children (and perhaps gardening) that seems to force me to live in the present - to notice the first frost, to prepare for the first snow, to watch the temperatures closely, to point out the first buds of spring to a curious young mind, to touch the first flower of the season, and to long for the days when we could take a walk at 7pm in light and warmth outside. There's something I really love about the changing seasons - the rhythm and pace it adds to life; the reminder of the passing days and the anticipation of times to come. In the same way, spiritual seasons have taken a bigger presence in our home life - partly because I want to teach the children about the meaning behind certain holidays (like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter) and have them grow up with a certain sort of spiritual rhythm and predictability. But it's not just for the children - it's also for the adults - to remember the meaning behind what we are doing in our lives, to take time to reflect and process in the midst of holiday busyness, and to tend to our souls in the midst of preparation and celebration. This Advent, as we knit and cook and bake and make, we also (almost) daily light the candles on our advent wreath - beautifully made in Maine - and are guided by a family devotional, We Light the Candles. I hope this can help calibrate our family's hearts, minds and souls to truly and fully celebrate on December 25. "For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life." ~John 3:16

side-tracked

I haven't blogged in so long, I don't even know where to start. Since my last entry, we have enjoyed three beautiful weddings; both my boys have turned a year older; my brother got engaged; we survived our first hurricaine and noreaster of the season; my husband switched jobs; we baked our first ham; and I have been enjoying this season of knitting, baking and making. It's been a full fall season, and we are looking forward to Advent this weekend. A few highlight from this fall. Collin is three now, and oh my, what a difference a year makes. He is truly a little person now - chatting away in his own little magical world, making all sorts of connections, learning new things, and acting more and more like a BOY, losing any last traces of "baby." I've got to say, this parenting adventure has been getting more and more fun as I grow with this kid. It amazes me that it's already been three years; most days it still feels like we are just starting out, just getting acquainted with this "parenting" role, and barely able to keep up with what we are supposed to be doing (or who we are supposed to be). Owen, my "baby", is still a baby. I love his little cuddles, and I'm in no rush for him to hit his next milestone - just as I push forward with Collin, looking forward to all the new things he'll learn and experience, I tend to hold back a little with Owen, savoring every little moment, loving that he is who he is right now (cuz he will be different tomorrow), and marveling at his little fingers and toes and cheeks with just a bit more care. While parenting Collin has felt like a whirlwind of learning and "catching up" with my child; parenting Owen has let me slow down a bit and learn to savor all of who he is (and who I am as his mama). Friends have asked me if I favor one son over another - and honestly, I don't even know what that means. They are so different, and unique, and individual - I love them both fully, wholly, and as much as I ever could...but I also hope I am able to love them in their individuality - not more or less, but differently and uniquely, so that they may know deeply that they are each fearfully and wonderfully made. Well, I had started this entry thinking of sharing some of the crafting that has been happening these last couple months...but as usual, got sidetracked by the kids. :) But just to get back a little on track - I am very much looking forward to my second online class through Squam, starting in January: The Intuitive Lens

Anyone want to join me?